Random Sayings
by XxEmphaticxXxErynxX
Summary: might be twilight related but for now its just a bunch of my favorite sayings that make me laugh!
1. Chapter 1

Here's one of my new stories

**Here's one of my new stories. It's pretty much meaning less. Hope you enjoy! I found all of these quotes by searching online for hours!**

I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away. I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves splashed it away. I wrote your name in my heart, and it lasted forever.

EMO kids have cool hair.

EMOExtravagantly Made Origami

Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Don't frown, even when you're sad, someone could be falling in love with your smile.

You have to have darkness for a dawn to come.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Music is love in search of word.

Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

Don't mess with me I've got a stick

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

Stupid shiny Volvo owner.

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."

If you believe that preps travel in packs then place this on your profile.

Come join the dark side. (We have Edward Cullen)

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

"Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real."

My favorite word is sarcasm.

Guys should be like Edward-rich,strong,and hot

Guys should be like lattes-rich,strong,and hot

...does this mean Edward is like a latte?

It's a matter of life after death-now that he's dead, I have a life

Everyone has a wild side-me and my friends just prefer to make them public

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have

Oops, I appear to have fallen on your lips.

Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

Why are the Force and ductape the same?-Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.

Somebody needs a Happy Meal.

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

News from the file marked "DUH"

Music is like candy-you throw away the rappers.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me

Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

He Said:

I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.

She Said:

You wear pants don't you?

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn

YOUTUBE myspace and I'll Google your YAHOO

I live in a world full of bunnies and unicorns...but the bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are acting all emo again

Behind every bitch there's a guy that made her that way

My heart is not a playground

I find "good morning" a contradiction of terms

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse (And yes Karina, I'm directing this at you.)

P.S I never changed, I just got tired of pretending I was happy.

Edward Cullen I love you! Oops! Did I say that out laud?

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

Be a loser! Because being cool is soo overrated!

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.

If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash Honey, I don't live to please you.

Twilight: because we all secretly own two copies.

Love can come in many different colors.

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?

We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really good at one thing, staying strong.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not."

"Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?"

"What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy."

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I'm the kind of who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened...yesterday.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

When people don't laugh at our jokes, we don't think of it as a 'You had to be there' type of thing, but a 'You have to be mentally retarded like us' type of thing.

**What do you think? If you find anymore please PM me! I love you guys!**


	2. twilight and eclipse

"No blood, no foul

"No blood, no foul." Edward to Tyler(Twilight)

"No, I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all -just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean... now why would that be frustrating?" He grimaced. "Or better, say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things - from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, that would be _very_ non-frustating."/ "You've got bit of a temper don't you?"/ "I don't like double standards." Edward and Bella (Twilight)

"Kryptonite doesn't bother me either." Edward (Twilight)

"There are no secrets in Forks." Bella (Twilight)

"Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear." Bella (Twilight)

"He looks at you like... like your something to eat." Mike (Twilight)

"I couldn't sleep." I confessed./ "Neither could I." Edward and Bella (Twilight)

"You did say my name."/ "A lot?" / "How much do you mean by 'a lot,' exactly?" Edward and Bella(Twilight)

"Yeah, it's an off day when i don't get _somebody _telling me how edible i smell." Bella(Twilight)

"Breakfast time for the human." Edward(Twilight)

"Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?" Bella(Twilight)

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share?" Alice(twilight)

"Afraid of a needle. Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An _IV_ on the other hand..." Edward (Twilight)

"You'll never catch _me _betting against Alice." Bella (Twilight)

"I'm betting on Alice."

"Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?"/ "And where do you fit into that scheme?"/ "Oh, I'm with the vampires, of course."/ "Anything to get out of dancing."/ "Anything." Bella and Edward (Twilight)

"But I am a werewolf and he is a vampire."/ "And I'm a Virgo!" Bella and Jacob (Eclipse)

"I prefer Brunettes." Edward (Eclipse)

"I can't wait to see what Edward does to you! I hope he snaps your neck, you pushy, obnoxious, moronic DOG!" Bella (Eclipse)

"I wish I'd hurt him, I didn't do any damage at all"/ "I can fix that."/ "I was hoping you would say that."/ "That doesn't sound like you, what did he _do_?"/ "He kissed me." all I heard was the sound of an engine accelerating in the backround. Edward and Bella (Eclipse)

"If you ever bring her back damaged again - and I don't care if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head - if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that i left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that mongrel?" Edward (Eclipse)

Emmett watched curiously as Edward helped me carefully out of the car. His eyes zeroed in on the hand I cradled against my chest. "Fall down again Bella?" I glared at him fiercely. "No Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face." Emmett blinked and then burst into a roar of laughter. Emmett and Bella (Eclipse)

"Alice," he sighed. "Could you come babysit Bella for a bit?" he raise one eyebrow, daring me to object to the word. "I need to speak with Jasper." Edward (Eclipse)

"Some people will go to any lengths to delude themselves."/ "I've noticed that werewolves in particular are prone to that mistake - do you think its a genetic thing?" Bella and Jacob (Eclipse)

"I know, why else would i put up with all of your crap?" Bella to Jacob (Eclipse)

"But," Edward went on, "if I'd been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top ten of the _best _nights of my life. Dream about that!" Edward to Jacob (Eclipse)

"A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn't sure how much pain medication I need so he's going with trial and error. Think he over did it." Jacob (Eclipse)


	3. copy and paste

What do ya think

**What do ya think?! These are just copy and pastes but they are very funny!! Eryn**

_If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you don't dance to avoid injury to yourself and those around you, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you've ever missed your mouth when trying to take a sip of water, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If someone has ever said something to you that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have ever been so obsessed with a song you actually A) dream about it, B) sing it in school no matter who's listening or, C) know the lyrics by heart and sing it no matter how of key you are, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you forgot your phone number when some one asks for it, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have written a fanfic, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you are bored and like to write stuff, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you think Writer's Block sucks, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have ever spent too much money at Barnes and Noble, copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you have ever just wanted to slap someone, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you realize that copying and pasting things in your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you don't do drugs and never will, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you think cancer is awful, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile._

_93 percent of the American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak, if you are part of the 7 percent who would ask the person ''What was your first clue?", copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you hate those obnoxious, snobby people please copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you talk to yourself and aren't afraid to admit it copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have music in your soul copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have ever accidentally stabbed yourself or someone else with a pencil copy and paste this in your profile._

_If you are against animal cruelty put this in your profile._

_Only crazy people understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, put this in your profile._

_If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy this to your profile._

_If you have ever seen a movie or read a book so many times that you can quote it word for word, and do so at random moments, copy and past this to your profile._

_If you believe some teachers are seriously prejudiced, copy an paste this in your profile._

_If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If keyboards hate you, copy and paste this._

_Put this in your profile if you didn't know the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune._

_If you have ever choked on air (or any other substance you thought impossible to choke on), copy this in your profile._

_I'm bored...If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do..._

_If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!_

_If several inanimate objects just seem to hate you (stupid locker!) copy and paste this to your profile._

_If you agree that 90 percent of politics are dumb, copy and paste this to your profile._

_If you are against any kind of abuse, copy and paste this to your profile._

_If you think TV Golf is the most boring thing on TV, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have ever wanted to slap someone, but restrained yourself, congratulations, and copy and paste this to your profile._

_98 percent of teenagers, do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like bagels._

I'm INTO THEATRE & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.  
I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude  
I'm BI, so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.  
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.  
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth.  
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naïve  
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash  
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.  
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.  
I'm WICCAN, so I MUST be a devil-worshipping baby killer.  
I'm A GOOD LIAR, so I MUST be an actor/actress  
I'm a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone's ass  
I'm a FEMALE BLACK BELT, so I MUST be a lesbian  
I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant

I'm a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict  
I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian  
I'm a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie  
I'm INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs  
I'm a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life  
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS

I'm PUNK, so I MUST cut my wrists  
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore

I have A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS so I MUST be dating them all  
I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd  
I love RENT so I MUST be an emo lesbian with AIDS.  
I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST believe in heaven.

I'm smart so I MUST be easy.

I'm single so I MUST be ugly.

I'm BI so I MUST not be Christian.  
_Stereotypes suck!_ Copy, paste & add.** (JUST AS A PERSONAL FYI THESE ALL PERTAIN TO ME SO I'M PISSED!)**

_If you knew that 85 percent of all questions were hidden statement and vice versa copy and paste this on your profile._

_If you once choked on food, spit it out, and then it landed in your friends food and/or on their face copy and paste this on your profile._

_If you knew that 90 percent of all statistics can be made to say anything 50 percent of the time, copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you think vampires have souls copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you argue with your self and are constanly pretending to be on the phone (putting your hand to your ear, etc.) not realizing that you look stupider then just talking to your self copy and paste this on your profile._

_If you think you were switched at birth because you have special powers (Seeing the future, feeling emotions, hearing thoughts, etc.) and/or because your parents are totally geeks, copy and paste this onto your profile._

_**If you have considered nameing your kids Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle, or Esme, copy and paste this onto your profile**__(I comtemplate this every other day! Edward, Bella, Alice, and Jasper are my favorites!)_

_**If you are a proud stalker and obsessed fan-girl of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, copy and paste this**_

_**If your second favorite of the Cullen males is Jasper Whitlock Hale, copy and paste this onto your profile**_

_**If your profile is long, copy and paste this to make it longer.**_

_**If you truly believe there is an Edward Cullen (his name doesn't have to be Edward Cullen) out there for you, put this on your profile.**_

_**If you know you have an un-healthy obsession with any or all Cullens, but you don't really care because even though admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing, frankly you don't wanna heal, put this on your profile.**_

_**If you have ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP sign, copy and paste this onto your profile**_

_**If you have ever walked into a wall, copy this onto your profile**__(I run into them every day. They plot against me and move when I am about to walk through the doorway. They just hate me. :(_

_**If you have ever fell off a chair backwards, copy and paste this onto your profile**__(I once fell out of my chair forwards, don't ask how.)_

_**AACIBD is Addicted to All Cullens Including Bella Disorder**_

_**AV is Addicted to Vampires**_

_**ADHD is Automatic Death by Hyperness Disorder**_

_**SEAMCJWH is Stalker of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen and Jasper Whitlock Hale**_

_If you think Rap stands for __**Retards Attempting Poetry **__paste this on your profile_

_If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this onto your profile._

_**If you think vampires are real and you want to join them, copy this onto your profile.**_

_**If you think your cat/animal is a vampire and plead with it to bite you, copy this onto your profile.**__(My cat IS a vampire, but whenever I ask to be bitten, she just goes "Meow." It is very frustrating.)_

_**If people think you are mentally insane, copy and paste this onto your profile**_

_**You know it's gonna be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.**_

_**Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.**_

_**If you've read Twilight over 4 times, copy this onto your profile.**_

_**If you can't appreciate Edward Cullen, please leave the vicinity**_

_If you think that losers hate/don't get Twilight, copy this into your profile._

_If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile._

_-If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile._

_Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!_

_If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile. _

_If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile_

_If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile._

_If you've ever pushed on a door that said pull or pulled on a door that said push, copy this into your profile_

_Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique,so weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!_

_92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off._

_If you get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile._

_If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile._

_IF EDWARD AND BELLA DONT STAY TOGETHER I'M GONNA STAB SOMEONE! Repost this if you agree_

_If whenever you see or hear the name "Edward" you freak out and have a small fit because you love him so much, and then people stare at you, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you have ever been so obsessed with Twilight that whenever you hear thunder you think of vampires playing baseball. Copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you have ever thought really hard about how gorgeous Edward Cullen is and hope he heard, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If u think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in ur profile!_

_If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile._

_If when you have a boy, you'd consider naming them Edward or Anthony, copy this into your profile._

_If when you have a girl, you'd consider naming her Isabella, copy this into your profile._

_if there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it copy this into your profile_

_If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile._

_If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you don't review, I won't write. If I don't write, you won't review. If you think people should review after they read, copy and paste this on your profile._

_Chocolate chip cookies are the best! If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile!_

_If you're nocturnal copy and paste this in your profile._

_If you went to sleep at around 2 am reading Twilight and/or New Moon, copy and pastes this onto your profile._

_If it drives you insane when you someone asks a question and you answer it and they say why and so you answer that and then they say why again and you answer that one and it goes on and on until you can't answer anything anymore, copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you cried when Edward left Bella in New Moon copy and paste this onto your profile._

_Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that stayed with rock, put this in your profile_

_If you've ever wondered why Bush won't leave the friggin' war and let the remaining soldiers live, copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you think disclaimers are the most annoying thing ever copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you think the Cocoa Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile._

_If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you hear the voices of the characters in your head, copy and paste (smiles)_

_If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you agree, that purple bunnies with sporks WILL rule the world, copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile._

_If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer._

_If you've ever read started to read a chapter in a fanfiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile._

_If you are absolutly in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional character Edward, from twilight, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile._

_If you ran up a "Down" escalator, copy this into your profile._

_You know your addiction to Twilight is getting dangerous when you've added "Volterra" to your computer's dictionary. If you have done just that, copy this into your profile_

_If you think that TWILGHT is the best book known to woman (and man)...copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you've reread TWILIGHT and NEW MOON over ten times...copy and paste this onto your profile._

_If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile._

_If you agree with Bella that life without Edward is useless then copy this to your profile._

_Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was 'too small' and 'off its orbit' for a couple scientists' likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile. LONG LIVE PLUTO!_

_If you are counting the days until Breaking Dawn comes out copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile_

_If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile._

_If you've met your not-blood related twin (in resemblance or personality), copy and paste this in your profile._

_If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile._

_If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you frickin' could, copy this into your profile._

_If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you think iPods were gifts from the gods copy and paste this onto your profile_

_If your family/friends/people around you stared at you when you did the above mentioned, copy and paste this onto your profile_

_you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile_

_If you have ever been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing maniacally, copy and paste this into your profile._

_Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you are a nerd and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile._

_If yoo cant spel too sav yoor lyfe then putt thes in yoor profiele_

_If u think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in ur pro!_

_If you think that any cartoon characters that are trying to steal cereal should just go to the freaking grocery store and buy some themselves copy this into your profile._

_Between two evils, i always pick the one I've never tried._

_If you don't think that everything Oprah says is true and you don't watch her religiously then copy/paste onto profile_

_If you easily finish one novel a day, copy/paste onto profile._

_Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy/paste onto profile._

_If you think that dumb girl from the Eggo commercial should just give her father some freakin' waffles already, copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you know there's more to good random humor than saying "cheese", "fudge", or "pie", copy and paste this into your profile._

_If you are on for some other reason than writing pure romance fics or totally rearranging the original story because some slash romance story didn't happen, copy this and paste it onto your profile._

**A lot of words deserves a lot of reviews!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**okay, so I'm trying to update all of my stories so if you want to go check 'em out! Heres the next chapter!**

Him:Do you like me?  
Him:Honestly?  
Me:No, I dont like you  
Him:O um ok i gtg bye  
(he "left")  
Me:I dont like you I love you  
Him:AWWW  
Me:SHIT! I thought U left! who the hell goes on invisible!

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

I laughed so hard;;  
tears rolled down my leg

**&**__if the average person  
_**[laughs thirteen times a day]**_  
***~**** im certainly not normal. ****~***

So let me get this straight**;**  
I**'**m a **slut, **because I have a lot of guy friends**?  
**I**'**m a geek**, **because I didn**'**t fail my science test**?  
**I**'**m a pothead**, **because I hang around with **'**bad**'** influences**?**  
I**'**m an emo**, **because I wear eyeliner and the occasional tight jeans**?  
**I**'**m a bitch**,** because I just don**'**t like you**?**  
I**'**m self **centered, **because I'm confident**?**  
So I guess that makes you**...**  
Jealous**.**

Try This!(# 3)When an unknown number calls your  
phone and you have no idea who it is  
pick it up and scream;;  
"WE DONT WANT ANY!"  
And hang up.

guy #1 : "dude, **why** are you reading_ twilight_?"  
guy #2 : "_shut up!_ i wanna see what all the **girls** like about that guy!"

**U****R****GE****NT****W****A****R****NI****NG****...**

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON FRIDAY, AND THEIR MISSION IS TO _ABDUCT_ ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

OF COUSE, YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT **I** JUST WANTED TO  
_**SAY GOODBYE**_(**:**

**Emmet Cullen: **Stronger Than You since 1916

**Jasper Hale: **Charming Ladies since 1843

**Alice Cullen:** Quirkier Than You since 1901

**Rosalie Hale:** Better Than You since 1916  
**  
Edward Cullen:** Sexier Than You since 1901

_ru_l_e_s _o_f m_e_:  
#1. i am always right  
#2. just in case i am wrong, see rule #1

Boys are cheats and liars,  
They're such a big disgrace,  
They will tell you anything  
To get to second base-

-ball, baseball,  
He thinks he's gonna score,  
If you let him go all the way  
Then you are a whore-

-ticulturists study flowers,  
Geologists study rocks,  
The only thing a guy wants from you  
Is a place to put his cock-

-roaches, beetles,  
Butterflies, and bugs,  
Nothing makes him happier  
Than a giant pair of jug-

-lers and acrobats  
And dancing bears named chuck,  
All boys want to do is...  
Forget it no such luck.

Two people are sitting at a bar drinking, one of them turns to the other and says

"You arent irish by any chance are you?"  
"Why yes I am",replied the other man  
"Fancy that! Where abouts in Ireland are you from?"  
"Dublin"  
"Cor! Me 2"  
"Really, where did you graduate?"  
"St Marys"  
"Me too!! What year?"  
"1986"  
"Oh my God! So did i!"

The bar man sighed "Its going to be a long night... The O Malley twins are drunk again."

your 90% the reason i get up in the moring  
the other 10% is i need to_ pee_

always smile  
you never know what kind of freak  
could be falling in love with your frown.

Bella: How far is it from Florence to Volterra?  
Alice: That depends how fast you drive....Bella?  
Bella: Yes?  
Alice: How strongly are you opposed to grand theft auto?

And Ladies? Can I Say?  
Romeo? I'm not into fairytales,  
E dward Cullen? I'm sick of vampires now  
Night in shining armor? Yeah, _right. .. _Jerk in tinfoil?  
I want _Adventurous_, Daring, Crazy_**  
**_I ' d t a k e  
Indiana Jones  
_Anyday 3

Caution: _**I**_ sniff _**sharpies**_!

because i'm special that's why!

peoplethatdon't  
know me think im quiet &+ the  
peoplethatdo  
wish i was quiet =]

I just applied for a job  
At the mental hospital,  
and they said I needed  
24 hours experience before  
I can start, so uhm...wanna  
hang out tomorrow? I'll buy  
you candy ;)

connecticut  
welcomes you. birthplace of george w. bush.  
_... w e a p o l o g i z e ._

**elephant:** **why** do you have _boobs _on your back?  
**camel:** thats a _funny question _coming from someone with a **dork** on their facee.

You know the world is going crazy;  
when the_ best rapper_ is a white guy,  
the _best golfer_ is a black guy,  
the_ tallest guy in the NBA_ is Chinese,  
the _Swiss_ hold the America's Cup,  
_France_ is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,  
Germany doesn't want to go to war,  
and the three most powerful men in  
America are named '_Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'._

"Dear Edward,  
p_i_ss off; yo_u_ po_se_r.

-Love Dracula"

A wise man once said,  
**"I don't know. Ask a woman."**

girls are **NOT** complicated. Seriously, how hard is it to say "you're pretty" and give us chocolate?

I have the hickups...  
They are like little **bursts** of _excitement_  
ILOVETHEM!

Some people ask if i talk. no idiot i bit off my tongue when i was 5 but people who know me tell me all the time to shut_the_hell_up_.

Remember, when somebody annoys you, it takes **42** muscles in your face to frown.  
_**BUT**_,  
it only takes **4** muscles to extend your arm and _bitch slap _that F***** upside upside the head !

wilson: you stole my patient!  
house: well, you stole my guitar.  
wilson: give him back.  
house: give _her_ back!  
wilson: your guitar is a girl?  
house: well it's certainly not a DUDE!

your looks are pretty  
if your face  
DIDN'T SCREW THEM UP

Children in the back seat cause accidents,  
But accidents in the back seat cause children.

This is why women should not take men shopping  
against their will.  
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal*Mart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.  
Yesterday my dear wife received the following  
letter from the local Wal*Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

**1. June 15:** Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly  
put them in people's carts when they weren't looking..

**2 .. July 2:** Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares  
to go off at 5-minute intervals.

**3. July 7:** Made a trail of tomato juice on the  
floor leading to the women's restroom.

**4. July 19:** Walked up to an employee and told her  
in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right  
away.'

**5. August 4:** Went to the Service Desk and tried to  
put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

**6. August 14:** Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR'  
sign to a carpeted area.

**7. August 15:** Set up a tent in the camping  
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

**8. August 23:** When a clerk asked if they could help  
him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just  
leave me alone?'

**9. September 4:** Looked right into the security  
camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

**10. September 10:** While handling guns in the  
hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

**11. October 3:** Darted around the store suspiciously  
while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

**12. October 6:** In the auto department, he practiced  
his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.  
**  
13. October 18 :** Hid in a clothing rack and when  
people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

**14. October 21 :** When an announcement came over the  
loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!  
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'  
And last, but not least ..  
**  
15. October 23 :** Went into a fitting room, shut the  
door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no  
toilet paper in here!'

You're Birth certificate Is an apology from a condom factory!

Yes, I do sing in the shower.  
_But;;_  
I also dance =]

r**awr****.  
**YOU JUST GOT  
OWNED IN DINOSAUR.

sorry metrostation,  
but **edward cullen  
**_will _be **seventeen forever  
**


End file.
